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boy stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well, then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!
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Tuesday, 31 December 2013
Joke 86
A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always Be Polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself.
Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose."
And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little
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Joke 85
An older couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and the championship comes down to a 6 inch putt which the wife has to make. The woman is trembling as she takes her stance. Then, she putts and....misses. They lose the match.
On the way home in the car, the woman's husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my dick!"
The woman looks over at her husband, smiles and replies, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
Joke 84
#...Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself..
Moral: In life no one helps you, once you're fucked.
#...Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
#...What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!
#...3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
#...Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
#...Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life.......
According To William Sexfear A Drunk Guy Is A Liability, But A Drunk Girl Is An Asset.
Joke 83
Let Your Rosebuds Show!
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not acceptable.
The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
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Joke 82
Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.
"What happened
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to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"
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Joke 80
The executive entrusted travel arrangements to his private blonde secretary for his trip to Paris. She selected a fine hotel and told the manager to be sure the room was prepared with special accommodations: food, bar, flowers, etc. etc. etc.
Upon arrival, the exec was ushered to his room. In a suite adjoining, with the doors open, sat 3 lovely young ladies.
The exec asked who the ladies were.
The manager bowed slightly and said, "They are the three et ceteras requested by your secretary, Monsieur."
Monday, 30 December 2013
Joke 79
A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.
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"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!!"
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Joke 78
An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.
Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"
The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"
The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane."
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake -- I'm Gay!"
Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"
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Joke 77
The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"
Things you'll never hear a woman say
Things you'll never hear a woman say:
o Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
o Go ahead and leave the seat up.
o I think hairy butts are really sexy.
o Hey, get a whiff of that one.
o Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
o This diamond is way too big.
o I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
o Wow, it really is 14 inches!
o Does this make my butt look too small?
o I'm wrong, you must be right again.
o I think belching is really sexy.
o Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
o Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
o I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.
o I insist that you always put your mother before me
o I love a good cigar after sex
o I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
o Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
o The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
o That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one day.
o It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
o Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.
o That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.
o Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
o I understand.
o You don't swear enough.
o I love it when you finger me while you drive.
o Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.
o Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
o Sure, you can wear your old work boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
o I think I'll call him up and ask him out.
o Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's just really friendly.
o I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
o Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
o Oh yeah,... *any* hole you want!!!
Joke 75
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her sixth grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly, there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yelled, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asked, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yelled, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe. I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there was an enormous burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going, Little Johnny?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Joke 74
This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"
The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift herleg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"
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Saturday, 28 December 2013
Joke 79
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon this harem with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will each be punished, and in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man. "Alright, shoot his penis off", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a fireman", said
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the second man. "Alright, burn his penis off", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
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Joke 78
What Can I Do?
Henry and his over-developed wife were sitting in the stands waiting for the football game to begin. A friend walked over, said, "Hello Henry," gave Henry's wife's breast a little squeeze and walked away.
A few minutes later another guy walked over, said, "Hello Henry," then, he too, fondled Henry's wife's breasts and walked on.
This strange sequence of events went on for some time. Finally a man sitting next to Henry spoke up, "Listen pal, It's none of my business, but isn't it a little odd that at least twelve guys came by, said hello to you then grabbed your wife by the breast? What's the story?"
Henry looked at him and moaned, "What can I do? If I leave her at home, she sleeps with everybody!"
Joke 78
A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, "How much is the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the sales guy says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers.
"How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars for the system," the sales guy says.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Yes," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor.
"How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars," the salesman says.
"I'll take that too!" the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."
Joke 77
Two Babies on a Learning Curve
Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a few seconds he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."
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Joke 76
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
Friday, 27 December 2013
Joke 75
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers
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the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich."
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Joke 74
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her sixth grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly, there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Patrick?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yelled, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asked, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yelled, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe. I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she dropped the eraser when she turned around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there was an enormous burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going, Little Johnny?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Joke 73
Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day. As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road fucking.
"What are they doing, Johnny?" Mary asked. Little Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing but was embarrassed to say it so he said, "Well, he's scaring her."
Little Mary said, "Oh".
They walked a little farther and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little Johnny".
Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell", so he took her into the bushes and "scared" her.
After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she asked.
"Well, he's scaring her."
So Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny."
Well, Little Johnny took her
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into the bushes and "scared" her again.
After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it. "What are they doing, Little Johnny?" she asked again.
"Well, he's scaring her," Little Johnny said.
After a few more minutes of walking, Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny".
Now Little Johnny, being a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out, "Boo, damn it, boo!"
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Joke 72
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.
"What's this for?" she asked.
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."
A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage.
"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."
"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
Joke 71
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.
When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a... well... unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man..."
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..."
"Yes, yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
Joke 70
Mr. Dickson, the science teacher, asked his 4th graders one day if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.They came back the next day and still no one knew the answer.
"Look," said Mr. Dickson while holding his index finger against his thumb, forming a little "zero."
"This is one hole, my nose has 2 holes, and I can put my hand over my nose and make my nose holes appear inside this other hole."
"Aaaaaaahhhhhh," said the children. The next day, Little Johnny
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stood up and said, "Mr. Dickson,my daddy wants to know if you know how to put 7 holes in 1 hole. "Hmmmm," he thought, "How can you put 7 holes in 1? Well, I'll be darned; I don't know how to do that. Um, did your father tell you how to?" Yes," said Little Johnny, "You take a flute and shove it up your ass!"
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Joke 69
MrsPerfesser went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."
"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely
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natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," complained MrsPerfesser, "it wakes me up."
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Joke 68
Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Maria. Stephen's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went.When she got upstairs, Stephen took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Stephen's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests.Go upstairs.He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Stephen took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Stephen took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry.All good men have hairy legs. Stephen's a good man.Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Stephen took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran down stairs. "Mama, Mama, Stephen's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
Joke 67
An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first time, and of course the gynecologist was a very young and handsome fellow. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed throughout the whole examination. Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come in to his office to talk about his findings.
The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results. She then said she really only had one question for him.
The doctor said,
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"What is the question you have?"
Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?"
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Joke 66
Three friends decided to visit a prostitute -- a white guy, a black guy, and a Jew. It was a slow night, so she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."
When the white man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"
"$75 dollars," said the first.
The blackguy goes in and returns with a fee of $95. The first two were proud of their prowess.
The third man goes in and returns. "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.
"20 dollars," replies the Jew. The first two start laughing hysterically.
"Hey guys," replied the third. "I'm not so stupid. I paid on the way out!"
Thursday, 26 December 2013
Joke 65
The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara."
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "I cut. I cut."
Joke 64
A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.
She explained that she wanted to return the nonworking toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The manager was taken
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aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.
She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
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joke 63
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her.
Before she could offer her apologies for staring, the young man whispered to her in a low, seductive voice, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one conditions'
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You must describe what you want me to do in just three words'
The woman considered his proposition for a few moments, then reached inside her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills. As she pressed the money into the young man's hand she looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said:
"clean my house!"
Joke 62
A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed. They both think for a while...... then the guy says, "Okay, I got one...
Two times two is four, four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".
So she thinks for a minute
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and says, "Okay two times two is four, four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."
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Joke 61
The old perfesser thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a fancy new bra. He entered a ladies shop, rather intimidated, but the salesgirls took charge to help him.
"What color?" they asked. He liked that sky-blue color.
"How much does it cost?" he asked.
"Twenty-four dollars," he was told.
"Ooh, 'at's expensive, but I guess it's ok," he told them. All that remained was the size, and of course he hadn't even the faintest idea.
"Now sir," said one of the salesgirls, trying to help out, "are her bosoms the size of a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grapefruits? Oranges?"
"No," said the old
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perfesser, "no, nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think," she said. "There must be something your wife's bust resembles."
The old perfesser thought long and hard, then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"
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Joke 60
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.
After the service, he was approached by a woman who said "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS"
The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.
The following week after
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the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
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Joke 59
Buffy had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.
"Why are we so happy?" he asked.
"Honey, I have some really great news for you!", she said.
"Great", he said, tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.
The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.
Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."
"What do you mean more?", he asked.
"Well we are not having
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just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.
"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
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Wednesday, 25 December 2013
Joke 58
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"
The guy said nervously, "Uh,
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yeah, Mom, that's right."
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"
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Joke 57
Greg and his two friends are talking at the bar one day. His friend John says, "Guys, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. I came home the other day and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His friend Sean said, "Well I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. I came home the other day and found a wrench under our bed and it wasn't mine."
Greg said, "I think my
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wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both of his friends just stared at him.
"I'm serious!" he said. "The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!"
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Monday, 23 December 2013
Joke 56
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well, I felt this was a waste, so one
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day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."
"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."
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Joke 55
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the
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girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered.
"Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
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Joke 54
The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both of them. However, on the way to the Airport a rather heated debate started as to whose fault their break-up was.
At the crowded gate, she turned and said, "Thanks for
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nothing you cheap bastard."
As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back "Hey baby. Don't be like that. If you ever work this town again, give me a call."
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Joke 53
Who shot the beaver?
A 110 year old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and *BAM*, the beaver drops dead in front of him.
"That's impossible," said the
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old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly!" said the doctor.
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Joke 53
Who shot the beaver?
A 110 year old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never felt better," he replies. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he's in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and *BAM*, the beaver drops dead in front of him.
"That's impossible," said the
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old man in disbelief, "someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly!" said the doctor.
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Joke 52
Flagpole
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"
The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"
The guy says every morning I wake up with my "morning flagpole"... I give the missus a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boinking.
For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and
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slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the missus another screw......
"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"
The guy says "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"
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Joke 51
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in. "Follow me." he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Peter's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Peter was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! Follow me, we're almost there."
After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time
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something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his butt off.
"Why is it so d*** cold down here?" Peter asks.
The devil replied, "Well, ever since you sent that new guy down here, I'm afraid to bend over and pick up the firewood!"
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Saturday, 21 December 2013
Joke 50
80 year old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out
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, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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Joke 49
Once upon a time there was a frog who lived in a lake all by himself. He had been given special powers by a local witch. One day he finally ventured out of the lake to get his first glimpse of the world outside. The first thing he saw was a bear chasing a rabbit and so he called out to them and asked them to stop. Then he said to them, "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three wishes. You will each take turns using them and you have to use them now.
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like for every bear in this forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."
This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for every bear in the neighboring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again. "I would like a motorcycle."
Both the frog and the bear wondered why the rabbit didn't just ask for
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a lot of money with which he could buy himself a motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all the bears in the world to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the motorcycle, said "I wish the bear was gay." and took off like a bat out of hell.
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Joke 48
A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.
"What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.
"Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.
"I want one," said the child.
The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.
"I want one just like that," she kept repeating.
At last the mother said,
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"If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one."
"And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.
"Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."
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Friday, 20 December 2013
Joke 47
Too Much Love
Three friends, two straight guys and a gay guy, and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship. They all drowned. They each had to come before before St. Peter to be admitted into heaven.
First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you
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in, either", said St. Peter. "You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
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Joke 46
At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
The woman wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Bob and I, it is
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spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.'
And Bob wrote: 'I love sex.'
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Joke 45
Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived,
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it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you ?"
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Joke 45
Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived,
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it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you ?"
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Joke 44
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time
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some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
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Joke 43
At a party, a women was observing a child who would hold his chest whenever he bent down. After a few minutes, the woman asked the kid, "Why do you hold your chest whenever you bend down?"
The kid said, "One
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day, my teacher was writing on the board, the chalk fell down, and when my teacher bent down to pick up the chalk, I saw her lungs comes out of her chest."
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Joke 42
Pain In The Back
Paul and I were talking one day when Paul says, "I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."
"So what happened?" I asked.
"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"
"Why would
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he want you to sit to pee?" I asked
"Well", said Paul, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."
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Joke 41
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the "
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look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.
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