Bitches be like

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bitches be like

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open". This is not a phrase women normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open". He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the checkout line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her at
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the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing there at attention"? The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, No, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags".

Bitches be like

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Antonio! Why you-a such a fat-a boy?" Antonio says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it." Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!" Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Guido! Why you-a such a fat-a boy?" Guido says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it, it's-a so good." Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites." Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Vinny! How you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a." Vinny says,
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"It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy." Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!" Vinny says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"
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Funny Joke

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open". This is not a phrase women normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open". He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the checkout line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door". He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her at
  Click here to see ending of a joke

the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing there at attention"? The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, No, I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags".

The Christmas parrot

A man goes into a pet store to buy his wife a gift. He asks the clerk for something special. The clerk walks over to the bird section. "This is Ches. He was trained to sing Christmas carols. Watch." The clerk lights a match and puts it under one of Ches' feet. The parrot immediately starts to sing 'Jingle Bells'. "Why that's amazing!", exclaims the guy. The clerk lights another match, and puts it under the other foot. This time the parrot starts singing 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.' By this time the man is sold on the parrot, and so he pays the clerk and takes the parrot home to his wife. He lights a match and demonstrates Ches' unique ability. The guy then lights a second match and does the same thing. The wife and the guy enjoy the evening with their new pet. A couple of days later, the wife asks the man,
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"What would happen if you put a match between his feet?" The guy shrugs his shoulders and walks over to Ches, lights a match, and puts it between the parrot's feet. "Chesnuts roasting on an open fire .....!"

Professional Association

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off. "Who was that?!" demanded the doctor's wife. "Errr... Just a woman I
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met professionally," replied the doctor. "Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "WHOSE profession? Yours, or HERS?"

Joke LOL

A man walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave. Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned. Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his
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gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?" "Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"
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Joke LOL

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a g.e. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!" The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right. To which he replied, fix the fridge door?" "Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." replies the husband. "Fine", she says, "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps", he says. "Does it look like I have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey", he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked
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me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake. "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband. She replies, "Hellooooo.......do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
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Joke LOL

A traveling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard got shelter with a farmer who had three daughters. The farmer called him aside and told him, "Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be warned." In the morning, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him, "How was your night, young man?" "Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it." The farmer felt very happy and at the bar
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that night mentioned this fact to his close friend. He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his daughters away from trouble. His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!"
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Joke LOL

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the beer for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT-LIGHT!!!"

Joke LOL

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Antonio! Why you-a such a fat-a boy?" Antonio says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it." Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!" Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Guido! Why you-a such a fat-a boy?" Guido says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it, it's-a so good." Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites." Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Vinny! How you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a." Vinny says,
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"It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy." Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!" Vinny says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"
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Joke LOL

Celebrate older people on the birthday of comedian George Burns, who was actively entertaining audiences until he died at age 100 on March 9, 1996. He was born Nathan Birnbaum on January 20, 1896, at New York, New York. Aka Entertainer of the Century Day. A news reporter was interviewing a couple who were celebrating their 75th Wedding Anniversary. After questioning them about their diet, life style and how many family members they had, and had outlived, the reporter finally approached the subject of their sex life. "Sex?" the old man asked, "We have sex
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nearly every night. The reporter gasped, "You folks have sex nearly every night?" "Sure we do. Monday we almost did it... Tuesday we almost did it... Wednesday we almost did it..."
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Joke LOL

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I`d like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops
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and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily. "No," croaks the feeble old man...."but it`s startin` to twitch a little."
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Joke LOL

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends with the letters 'u-n-t?'" Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'". "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

Joke LOL

Golda and Marty were having an affair. One day Saul came home early. Golda heard Saul's car pull into the driveway and had Marty hide in the shower. So Saul goes to the bedroom to change into some old clothes and to take off the good gold. He goes into the bathroom and sees the shower curtain shut. This isn't normal, so he opens it. Oy Vey!! There, naked in the shower, is his best friend Marty. "Marty! Vat the hell are you doing naked in
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my shower?" Saul asked. Marty looked at him and in as serious a tone as he could come up with said, "Voting?"
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Joke LOL

Madge: "My boyfriend made torrid love to me last night, in many positions. Then, the pervert turned me around and f**** my butt real hard, and then..." Flora: "Oh? Sit down and tell me all about it." Madge: "I can't."
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Flora: "You can't tell me about it?" Madge: "No, I can't sit down."
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Joke LOL

One Sunday morning after church, little Maury's family invited the priest to breakfast at their home. His mother asked little Maury what he would like for his breakfast and he replied, "I want a lightbulb." Everyone laughed. The priest was warmly touched by Maury's funny remark. "Very funny little Maury," said Mom. "Now tell me what you want to eat." "I wanna lightbulb," said little Maury. Mom felt a little irritated with Maury behaving this way in front of their guest. She said sternly, "Enough of that, now what do you want to eat?" "I wanna lightbulb, Mommy,"
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little Maury said once more. Mom had enough and said, "Now you can go to your room!" The good priest felt he should intervene. "Now little Maury, tell us why you want a lightbulb for breakfast." Maury replied, "Well, last night when I went to bed I heard Daddy say to Mommy, 'Honey, turn out the light and I'll eat that thing'."
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Joke

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the
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longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
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Joke

An Italian doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Italy, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the
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postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
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Joke

Two old ladies, one somewhat hard of hearing, decided to have their portraits taken. The photographer welcomed them to his studio and said, "Please take a seat ladies." The first lady asked her friend, "What did he say?" "He would like us to sit down." replied the second lady. Then the photographer asked, "Can you please sit closer so I can focus the camera?" "What did he
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say?" asked the first. "He's going to focus." replied her friend. "What, both of us?"
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Funny Joke :DDDD

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Funny joke LOL

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six," he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, "Mother of six, I think it's time to go!" The wife immediately shouts back, "I'll be right with you, father of four!"

6 Actors Who Thought They Had Made a Totally Different Movie

Filmmaking is such a chaotic, haphazard process that it's nearly impossible for the people involved to tell if the movie is going to be good or not. Scenes are filmed out of order, much of what you shoot is going to get cut, and you have to trust that whatever effects fill in the big green wall behind you are going to look good.
So maybe it's not all that surprising that some of the stars of your favorite movies had no goddamned idea what film they were even making. For example ...

#6. Carrie (1976) -- Piper Laurie Thought She Was Filming a Comedy

United Artists

Carrie is the story of a horribly abused high school outcast with supreme telekinetic power who is finally pushed too far by a prank on prom night and decides to use her mutant ability to kill every single person who ever looked at her askance. To prove she isn't wholly evil, she also kills John Travolta as a public service.

United Artists
If she had just stopped there, the town would have probably been ready to call it even.

Then Carrie stumbles back home and kills the real villain of the movie -- her mother, a cruelly evil Bible-thumping taskmistress who was Carrie's chief tormenter -- before using her mind-flexes to implode their house.

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The Confusion:
Carrie's mother is so over-the-top evil that she's like a kindergartner's drawing of violent religious insanity. In fact, the character was so broad that Piper Laurie, the actress who plays her, was convinced the movie was a comedy when she first read the script. The mother was so operatic to her that she thought the character was intentionally cartoonish.

United Artists
She was surprisingly lax about wire hangers.

Director Brian De Palma had to take her aside and explain that he wasn't exactly going for laughs with his film about abuse, rage, and supernatural murder. Still, Laurie couldn't shake the idea that her character was completely ridiculous, and she laughed constantly between takes. This might have something to do with the scene in which she refers to her daughter's breasts as "dirty pillows," completely stone-faced and without a trace of irony, or it could be related to the Phantom of the Opera cape she wears in every scene with a similar lack of elbow-nudging winks.
Whatever the case, Laurie still insists that Carrie is really a black comedy. We are curious to see what constitutes gut-busting hijinks in her mind, because she's fucking terrifying in that movie.

United Artists
"I'm a horrifying monster! Get it?!"

#5. The Usual Suspects -- Everyone Thought They Were Keyser Soze

PolyGram Filmed Entertainment

The Usual Suspects is a critically acclaimed thriller about a team of career criminals working for a legendary supervillain named Keyser Soze, who we only ever see in a series of flashbacks looking like Antonio Banderas' stunt double with his face shrouded by a delumination spell. The story is told through the eyes of Verbal Kint, the weeniest member of Keyser Soze's gang, as he is being interrogated by a police detective in the wake of their botched ultra-heist.

PolyGram Filmed Entertainment
"I also want to know who the hell keeps stealing my newspaper!"

However, in one of the most infamous non-Shyamalan twist endings in cinema history, we learn that Verbal Kint was really Keyser Soze all along and had made the entire story up to pin the crime on a guy named Dean Keaton, who was conveniently too dead to offer a compelling rebuttal.
The Confusion:
Verbal Kint's story (which, in essence, is the entire movie we just watched) is so convincing that Gabriel Byrne, the actor who played Dean Keaton, really believed he was Keyser Soze. He went right on believing he was Keyser Soze all through the filming of The Usual Suspects and wasn't aware of the twist until he and the rest of the cast were shown a preview screening, at which point he became furiously pissed and dragged director Bryan Singer outside to scream into his face about it. Note: This is not the last time a person would feel compelled to bellow rage gusts at Bryan Singer after watching one of his movies.

Charley Gallay/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"WHY DOESN'T TOM CRUISE EVER SPEAK WITH A GERMAN ACCENT?!"

In fact, according to Kevin Spacey (who played Verbal Kint), Singer had convinced everyone in the main cast that they were Keyser Soze. So Gabriel Byrne, Benicio Del Toro, Stephen Baldwin, and Kevin Pollak all thought they were going to sit in a darkened theater on opening night and watch themselves revealed as the ultimate crime machine. The fact that Singer managed to convince Stephen Baldwin and Kevin Pollak that they were the ultimate anything in his movie is a testament to the strength of his deception.

PolyGram Filmed Entertainment
A full three years passed before Baldwin realized that Singer had paid him in expired Popeye's coupons.

One reason the trickery was so successful was that Singer really believed it was the truth -- he told veteran character actor Pete Postlethwaite (who plays the lawyer Kobayashi in the film) that it didn't matter what part Postlethwaite chose to play, because they were all Keyser Soze. Technically that's true -- the entire movie is just a story made up by Kint/Soze, so every character in it is essentially him -- but that's the same kind of pretentiousness that gave us the most boring Superman movie ever created, so we're kind of with Gabriel Byrne on this one.

#4. The Shining -- The Kid Didn't Know It Was a Horror Movie

Warner Bros.

Stanley Kubrick's hallucinogenic mindfuck bonanza The Shining stars Jack Nicholson as a man named Jack with a tenuous grip on sobriety (needless to say, it was the acting challenge of his career). He takes his family to a haunted hotel where a bunch of ghosts pause long enough in between giving each other phantasmic costumed blow jobs to convince him to kill his son, Danny, who uses his Professor X thought powers to convince Jack to kill an old black man instead and get locked outside in a fatal snowstorm.
The Confusion:
The little boy who played Danny, 6-year-old Danny Lloyd, had no idea he was acting in a horror movie. Stanley Kubrick, a man famous for not giving one screaming banshee fart for the comfort and safety of his actors, decided to spare Lloyd from seeing all the terrifying bullshit he was capturing on film while making one of the most famous horror movies of all time (this is the same man who, on the exact same film, tormented the lead actress so badly that her hair began to fall out). Evidently he had a soft spot for children.

Warner Bros.
"And after this scene, you and the twins go to Disney World and play forever and ever and ever."

Lloyd just thought they were making a movie about a family in a hotel. He wasn't even really sure how much he was getting paid to be there. He was only ever shown severely edited footage that took out all the scary parts, which essentially means he thought he was filming the most boring snoozefest ever created, because without the iconic scenes of terror, The Shining is a movie about three people wandering around in cavernous, brooding silence.
Lloyd didn't see the actual uncut movie until many years later as a teenager, and suddenly everything clicked into place -- those two nice British girls with whom he used to play and share lunch in between takes? They were ax-murdered ghosts who wanted his soul. That nice Jack Nicholson man who did a funny tomahawk dance when Lloyd accidentally wandered on set one day? Jack was slobberingly hacking his way through a bathroom door to murder Lloyd's onscreen mother only moments prior.

Warner Bros.
"I thought we were just filming a new Tonight Show title sequence."

For all his jimmy-legged, scraggly-bearded lunacy, Stanley Kubrick did his absolute best to make sure Lloyd didn't experience any of the psychological horror he was wielding the boy to create. According to historical record, this is the closest to "doing something nice" that Stanley Kubrick ever got.